My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
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thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Happy thanksgiving!
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
R.I.P.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
i actually laughed 😩