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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
The struggle is real
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.