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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls