My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
british sex workers really pound for pound
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
🤣
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
what’s really going on
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!