My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich