My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
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Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me