@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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@JElvisWeinstein: People belittle the internet "talking about a dress" as if we're busy solving problems otherwise.
@perlapell: Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to "your place", take him to Target.
@oxygenplug: "Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird" "Dude thats my dog get off" "why is ur horse so small" "Its a DOG" Why u pronouncing horse weird
@myles_morrison: Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.