My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Bread puns are on the rise!
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.