My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do