@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@abbycohenwl: [spelling bee] JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect” KID: I haven’t spelled it yet JUDGE: No, that’s your word KID: T-H-A-T-’-S JUDGE: No- KID: N-
@shiksaaa: My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night. Awkward.
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like a little danger. ME: Okay. [later on date] HER: So where are we- ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
@spies_please: CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11 ME: Yea CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am ME: Are these questions