@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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@neiltyson: Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall -- scale reads zero
@huntigula: if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
@13spencer: Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
@TheAlexNevil: I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: "If I wasn't already dead, your outfit would've killed me".