Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
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Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I will never stop laughing at this
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.