@_oculusmundi: My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
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@SteveSuckington: [reading test results] "It looks like you're gonna be just fine" [nurse whispers in ear] "Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks" -Steve Harvey M.D.
@fart: the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
@ThaJawn: (Animal spelling bee) Owl: Your word is Mississippi Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER