@_oculusmundi: My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
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@NYC_Blonde: Mom: Wanna help gift rap? Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro-- oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you're on your own.
@causticbob: Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue? Are aliens their primary customers?
@KeetPotato: interviewer: "so what makes you think you'd be good at checking tickets at our cinema?" me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
@MelvinofYork: It's bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive