FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
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I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.