@astutenewf: My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [Hardware store] ME: I'll take one of those giant forks. WORKER: That's a rake. ME: I'm gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
@liv_thatsme: *writes kid's name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*
@myonlymizztake: Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.