@JennyJohnsonHi5: My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband's surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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@PimpBillClinton: Ladies, don't tell me you care about the environment if you don't support my "Share a Shower" water conservation program.
@TheBoydP: Drink like a fish and you'll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you'll never feel like one...
@yonewt: My wife's signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
@primawesome: Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.