My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Close call…
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Um … Hot Wings please
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop