My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
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Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Our lord and savoury.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.