My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I wish I were this cool 😂
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
excuse me
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday