My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
mathematically impossible
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future