My brain is a bad influence on me
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It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.