My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
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Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”