@perhapssomeday: My mother arrives on Friday, so I have to do three months worth of cleaning in 48 hours. Also, lose 30 pounds and live up to my potential.
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@KizerBillhelm: My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I'm blinded by whiteness.
@StellaRtwot: *hands cashier $100 bill "Ya have anything smaller?" *crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
@KeetPotato: [dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head] 1st time: "aww cuuuute" 2nd time: "ha okay" 3rd time: "i am trapped in a nightmare"
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: I'll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I'll be giving her half of my food.