the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
You Might Also Like
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
A Short Story.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.