[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
i wish we could shoplift online
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The news
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant