Punctuation Matters. Period.
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COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine