My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
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Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.