My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one