My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The real reason evolution started..😂
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.