My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of