@Brianhopecomedy: My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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@WowYoureFunny: I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!
@Matt_The_1st: Me: "Hey doc, what's that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?" Doctor: "40"
@jimmytorosian: Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum. Mary: What about that rad drum? Little Drummer Boy: No Mary: Get out