I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.