@MarkAgee: My mother-in-law's text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law's rage isn't really from Vietnam.
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@RobertJrDowney: Who's idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.
@fred_dog: Do you know how many poisonous apples I'd have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
@jjhartinger: A telemarketer called and said,"can I speak with the man of the house." I replied, "sure" and gave the phone to the cat.