@MarkAgee: My mother-in-law's text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law's rage isn't really from Vietnam.
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@TheFearBoners: The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong's interview is the Tour de France.
@KyleMcDowell86: [Elephant at a party] Nice piano! [me] thanks [Elephant] What are the keys made of? [Me] Uhh.. [Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
@BlindChow: friend: what are your plans for The Purge? [imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL] me: do a murder