My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
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There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Happy Caturday!
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.