My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
You Might Also Like
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
men are simple creatures
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science