My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me irl
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?