The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Sorry not sorry.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.