My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that