@iSpeakComedy: My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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@notalogin: Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it's still right here.
@emireecraire: Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race
@Maui_Speaks: Dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. You didn't get the job.
@stormy_hero: [at wedding] "I now pronounce you husband and wife." Couple kisses *yelling from the back row "AWKWAAAARD"