My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
peep davidson
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
🤣🤣