My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
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He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Bike for sale
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.