My mother’s maiden name is Password.
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“i am a sweet baby”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The Friday File.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*