My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
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I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host