My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
is this store having a stroke wtf
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
From my Mom
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.