I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
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Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The internet is full of many things
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish