Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
You Might Also Like
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?