My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.