My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Banana is the quietest snack
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I need better friends
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do