My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Why is everyone getting married at me
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.