My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
A short story of betrayal:
o shit
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.