@bingowings14: My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you're wondering why your screen just went blank.
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@captainkalvis: Friend (dumb, annoying): christmas was stolen from a pagan holiday by the Christians Me (brilliant, well-read): actually, it was stolen by the Grinch but he gave it back
@ryangriffiths: People that say "The worst kind of cut is a paper cut" probably haven't been stabbed in the face before.
@adamochoa: freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door
@RealPrincessKim: Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.