My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together