I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
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[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom