Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
You Might Also Like
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
So we got a goldfish…
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
mom gave me mine for free
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread