“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
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asking santa clause for nudes
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.