“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
It was worth a shot 😂
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
This will never not be funny to me.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit