“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Beards are a privilege, not a right
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.