@TheTweetOfGod: "My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
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@david8hughes: [job int] "& what are your areas of weakness?" [leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers] "I don't like people touching my nose."
@protolalia: I only date men who have cats because they've been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
@murrman5: [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
@TheMichaelRock: Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.