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@TheTweetOfGod: "My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
@junejuly12: Him: I really like your car
H: What is it?
@natedeschaine: How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if "Thomas the Tank Engine" was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive
@tchrquotes: Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys' lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You're not going to believe this
@WhatevaConc: Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
@TastyTuneTweets: I'm going door-to-door to promote my new gym. It's called "Jehovah's Fitness"