@TheTweetOfGod: "My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
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@squirrel74wkgn: My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
@Storminika: Cops got new drunk driving tests. There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?'
@duplicitron: Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.