“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
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Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
What the hell happened here.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways